Today Joey was as present in his body as he has been since we first arrived. It has been a treat, and so much fun to watch everyone fall deeper in love with him. He truly chose this life, and I’m feeling how momentous the understanding of that is.
He chose all of this. Us as his parents, you as his community. Albany as his first medical team, Boston as his second. All I can do is to be quiet and listen to him. Listen to what he is trying to show and teach me.
I was in knots last night over the fact that his originally planned surgeon is not available, and questioning myself, wondering if I should be insisting on only the best of the best… to realizing that the term “best” is relative. Who is to say who is best for US? I will literally spend 4 weeks agonizing over online purchases, researching, comparing, contrasting, etc. I get my head twisted up and become paralyzed, never purchasing what I intended to. At some point in my life I made a vow to always keep looking, to not settle, and to utilize my brain more than my heart. I’d say that I’ve made incredible strides with this over the last year… but I then got stuck again.
Last night I was SO in knots that I almost threw up. I started researching our surgeon (again) and I couldn’t FIND HIM!!!! It was like in that moment he didn’t exist on the internet. The only things that I COULD find were other mothers saying that they would only let Dr. SoandSo or Dr. Whoever to operate on their children. My stomach was screaming at me, saying “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, making your mind up on a FEELING, for something SO IMPORTANT?!?!?!?”
Yeah, I did that to myself last night. It wasn’t a very nice thing to do, but I needed it to remind me that I have everything I need within me to know what is right. We are here now, it’s not October, and I am grateful to be doing this now.
I pray tonight that I stay open tomorrow, that I stay open to whatever is handed to us, open to my journey, Chris’ journey, Joey’s, the nurses, the surgeon, the entire team supporting all of us. We are all doing this together, coming as one to give Joey the best opportunity possible. Not to fix him, not to do anything but provide opportunity. It is up to HIM to decide what happens next at this point, if his work here is done or not.
MY preference is that he stays. That he recovers and comes home with me. That we cuddle together, kiss, nurse, love, learn and live together. I can’t get enough of him.
Hold us with you tomorrow, as we hold you with us. Love YOU.