I fall victim to myself.  When things get super rough, I isolate – even though what I want most is connection.  I guess my brain thinks it’s safer that way.  I am still here, we made it to our first social outing on Monday – the first since Joey’s surgery back in August.  I showed up practically in my pajamas, Malcolm had bedhead and I made Joey wait to eat until we got there.  It was like if I took a moment to think we wouldn’t make it out.  It felt SO GOOD to be with my lady friends and our EIGHT kids.

My times of gratitude are pierced by Joey’s cries and my worry.  I never know if he is okay.  Today he’s not happy, he’s back on formula and it’s messing with his digestive system.  This time he’s constipated with a horrible diaper rash, instead of projectile vomiting.  His last admission (Thanksgiving Eve) nixed the skim breast milk, which I was spinning in our washing machine (yup, I was).  His chest fluid came back.

Last week we went back out to Boston for follow ups – Down syndrome clinic Dr, Cardiology, Audiology, GI, Nutrition, and the Feeding team.  It was a lot.  Everything went well, with the exception of Audiology – his left ear has fluid, which means that his hearing is compromised  It’s pretty low on the worry list, but it made me pretty sad.  80% of the time if fluid is in one ear, it’s in the other.  SO, this may resolve on it’s own.  I got us back to chiro today, she’s awesome, we’ll see what happens.

This last admission really got me, my surrender came with an awful lot of tears.  I was sobbing once we got up to the floor, I just couldn’t stop.  My chest HURT.  I’ve been finding that my body can’t relax, it feels like it’s on constant alert.  I have a pretty decent daily energetic practice –  of feeling and grounding, but something’s stuck right now and I need a change.

So I don’t know, that’s where I am, where we are.

I think about each of you all of the time,  my voice just happens to be a little stuck right now.




10 thoughts on “Hibernation

  1. You’re in my thoughts. I know you must just go on mama bear energy most of the time to keep from crashing. Wish I could take that need from you for an hour or two so you could relax and rest. Holding you in my heart. Thanks for coming out of hibernation enough to reach out to all of us and speak briefly. Love you!

  2. Oh, sweet Rebecca…my heart just hurts for you. I can’t imagine for a moment the worry and anxiety and pain you feel. But just know that you and Joey are SO LOVED and SO STRONG and SO INSPIRING. Sending you SO MUCH love, strength, peace and light. Oh, and hugs. Lots of giant bear ones.

  3. Your change may just be sharing these feelings, getting it out there and gaining our love, support and strength to help you carry on. Keep talking. Keep sharing. It will lighten the load, free your heart and calm your mind. We are here for you. You are not alone. Let us help you when you are feeling down. That’s what friends are for. Love you!!!

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