Of all the things I could write today, there is just so much. I could tell you a story about the day Joey was born. I could tell you what labor felt like, what birth felt like, or what waiting for him to die felt like. Instead, I want to tell you what true power feels like.
I believe that each one of us has an unique flavor, something that makes us each superhuman. It is so hard to find in yourself. We suffer for years, each trauma laying another layer of gunk on top of this super power. Our brains take over and we become zombie like. Our super power is still there, but buried deep. We let people tell us what to do, we place belief in things and people outside of ourselves, and call it things like “giving our power away”, “I feel powerless”, etc.
I didn’t know what I was doing. I was told that my baby was going to die. I wanted to love him. I wanted to keep him with me. I wanted him to FEEL loved, secure, and to have his place in our family as he wanted to. I was lucky enough to have the right to make a decision.
I ask myself everyday what I did to deserve the miracle of Joey. For those of you that haven’t gotten to experience him, he’s amazing. He lives life so fully, with his whole heart, his whole body, his whole self. He connects. He loves. He laughs. And his smile, he has my smile, squinty eyes and all.
You know what I did to deserve this? I listened to myself. I was given an opportunity to define the rest of my life. I chose to love, to set everything else aside and love in a way that I didn’t know was possible. What I didn’t know at the time was that I was unearthing my super power. That my super power is love, and the depth and power of the way I love, saves lives.
My labor with Joey was maybe four hours. I had moments where I just didn’t want to let go of him, he was supposed to stay inside of me forever, I didn’t want to lose the comfort of his body. He brought so much to me. During transition I yelled something like “I’m freaking out, I’m freaking the fuck out!”, and then it all got very quiet. I pushed a couple of times, and he just simply slipped out of me. And he was alive. His heart was beating and he was breathing. That was all I had hoped for, was for this, a few minutes with him.
Here we are. A year later. With him, experiencing love in a way I didn’t know was possible. My love for everything, for everyone, for life has deepened in a way that I can’t explain. I can only share it and wonder if the flavor of it resonates with you.
There are many things to be grateful for, every day. Today I am most grateful for my super power, for my love, and my opportunity to share it with you through a celebration of life with Joseph Jude.
(and if I could just stop crying, that would be great)