Life is this incredible, beautiful and painful experience that we all get the gift of EVERYday – the question is, how far are we willing to go?
I’ve been struggling with this a lot, I have settled into a seemingly peaceful place with a healthy family who are all madly in love with each other. My heart is full, the love is deep, and I feel on the brink of tears at the beauty throughout the day.
And then I look around me and shift gears, out of my heart and back into my head. It hurts, it creeps up on me and BAM – I feel like I’m not doing anything with my life. I feel like I need to be BIG, like having a baby or starting a business or going back to school or buying a house or releasing an album or SOMETHING that is incongruent with where I am or what my heart wants to do. I define all of those things in a way that in my heart I know is not mine, yet the judgement of not doing any of it comes hard and fast.
I take a breath, and feel. What lives in my body is BIG, I am learning to honor that. It was very easy to do when my world was crazy, when I had an excuse, when we played in that place between life and death. I’m learning again, how to navigate life from this soft place, to honor the sacredness while not expecting death. It’s hard, but this is where I feel most full. I feel the pulse of everything in this place.I feel me, I feel you, I feel it all. This is my soul. As much as I go into that place of pretending I’m a doer, I’m not. I’m a feeler, and my doer can only support that. My work is staying on that path, to keep my head in alignment with my heart – to choose actions that support that place. To Nourish myself the way *I* need to be nourished. If I stay here, the BIG in me flourishes. This is where I want to live, in every moment I can.
Now, for Joey:
He had a heart follow up in October, no concerns. The ONLY thing was more discussion around Joey’s growth – Marx is 99% sure that it is not cardiac related. We’ve started working with a naturopath who specializes in T21 to address this. It’s been a great experience, this is where any extra dollars go AND IT IS SO WORTH IT. It feels really nice to be in relationship with a provider who doesn’t brush something off just because Joey has an extra chromosome. Instead of “oh, he’s small because he has T21” it’s “let’s look at HOW T21 affects JOEY’S body, and see what can we do to offer his body an optimal state”. That’s a big shift.
Joey turns 3 next month, and his life is about joy and progression. Slow and Steady is the theme, there is no rushing. The challenge for me is to stay in a place where I empower him, and not enable him. (I guess I could say that’s true for my relationship with myself as well!)
The other news IS THE DOCUMENTARY. The people working on this film, they are extraordinary. It’s intense and beautiful – and I would love to see a full length film come to fruition. What we lived through was life changing, and there is a reason everything played out as it did – there is a reason Victoria was there.
This feels like a rough re-entry into the world, from my heart to my writing to just BEING in life. Which only means that soon enough it is going to feel like heaven…