Oh Mother’s Day – you are so complicated, and yet so very simple. Somehow all at the same time.
I taught at SuperSoul Sunday morning, which reminded me of an quick essay they asked me to write for the May newsletter – thought I’d share it here with you as well. Thank you for loving us all so much, it carries me. 100%. (You are truly a huge part of this journey)
The journey of Motherhood has been purely about surrender. There are many aspects to motherhood that was feeling when I started to write: LOVE, community, wholeness, spirituality. What I keep coming back to is surrender; I cannot think of anything more powerful, that one word encompasses it all for me.
I am currently pregnant with my third child, our third boy, and have been reflecting quite a bit on my journey so far. My oldest, my labor with him was a fight – I couldn’t let go, I pushed for seven hours, I was so scared, I didn’t believe that the power I was feeling in my body was mine. It was so hard. I eventually had to surrender to exhaustion, and it was only then I joined the powerful and gentle waves of birth. The moment of his birth was magic, the weight of his body on my chest deepened into my heart like nothing else ever had. Because of the surrender.
Birth with our second child was quite different. He had received a fatal diagnosis about half way through my pregnancy – so my surrender came much earlier. There was no space to fight death, so instead we accepted it, and surrendered to the gift. Within the gift of impending death we discovered a depth of love that was somehow completely foreign and yet unquestionably ours. My labor with him was quick, as much as I wished it wouldn’t be. I didn’t want to lose that physical connection with him, his body safe and whole as long as he was inside of me. Then there was that moment again, back into surrender, and the 4 quick and gentle pushes he left my body were filled with love, because of the surrender.
That night we waited for him to die with full acceptance. We slept next to him, told him we loved him, thanked him for coming to us. My husband and I smiled and laughed with him between us. We kissed each other, we kissed our son, there was so much magic, because of the surrender.
He just turned 4 years old in March, and I can’t help to believe that it was in part because of the surrender.
I have been raising two very physically different boys, who both have two VERY big, and quite different hearts. I have had to surrender to their differences, who they are, and the paths that they are both on. I offer opportunity where I can, but understand that all I can really provide is the LOVE that comes with Motherhood, an experience that I have been gifted and taught me to live in surrender.
Through this gift I have begun to surrender in other areas of my life. My yoga practice is no longer about effort, but about surrender. My teaching, how I step into the role of leading bodies through movement, has shifted from perfection into feeling, into surrender of where each body is in each moment, to the words that come out of my mouth. Motherhood has brought me here, gifting me the ability to live in a state of Loving What Is, no matter what.